More environment backstory

Alright, here is my first draft of the extended environment backstory. I haven't cut anything out yet (I will have to to stay under 1 page), and I've done almost no editing. I might even be missing bits. I just wanted to get it up here and available for discussion before the meeting. Enjoy!


As the game opens, the player is on a path in the forrest. Though the sky is only slightly cloudy, only a few slices of light penetrate the deep canopy of the old growth forrest. Many of the trees are enormous since this part of the forest has never been logged. The forest floor is rich with moss, ferns, and mushrooms after a wet summer. It is the first week in September, and the few deciduous trees will soon be turning color. Though it is late morning, there is still a fog handing near the ground this far into the dense forest.

The path now little more than a deer trail. The ground on it is clear of growth from the traffic of hunters and forest creatures. It is a mix of dirt and gravel and dusted with fallen forest debris.

It is eerily quite in the deep woods. The most dominant noise is that of the wind in the trees above. From time to time, the player may here a rustling in the underbrush or the cawing of a crow.

The player sees a trail of candy in brightly-colored wrappers spread down the center of the path. The greedy child follows the trail to a bridge over a stream. The bridge is wooden and in disrepair. While not unusable, some planks are missing, fallen into the shallow but rocky brooke below, and some of the railings have fallen down. This bridge was constructed many years ago by settlers who had needed the river crossing to transport goods to and from their village. Since then, a more reliable road and bridge were constructed downstream, and this bridge and the remains of the road (now the overgrown path) have been forgotten.

On the far side of the stream, the woods open up to a meadow of grasses and wild flowers. There are more deciduous trees here at the forest’s edge, and the player can hear songbirds. Much more sky is visible, there is more light, and the trees cast dappled shadows on the surroundings.

A short distance into the meadow arises the imposing outer wall of a hedge maze. It is taller than the player, so tall as to block out the view of the world beyond. At the entrance to the maze, a gated enclosure forms an antechamber to the maze. The ironwork of the antechamber looks old and distinguished, here and there accented with candy-themed finials and fretwork. The large iron gates are open, presenting a clear view of a large bowl of sweets for the player’s taking.

When the player takes the bowl, the gates slam shut with a “clang.”

The story of the candy maze:

Once upon a time there were two witches. They were sisters, and lived a short distance away tending to neighboring villages. They were “good witches,” and spent their days assisting the townsfolk, relieving ailments and visiting those in need.

Birgitta lived near the wealthier of the two villages, and saw over time that the children were spoiled. The local hooligans lied insistently and could easily escape punishment for their wrong-doings, so unable were their parents to believe ill of them.

One day, a pair of ill-bred twins, Hanzel and Gretel, decided that they were sick of living under their parents roof and wanted a cottage of their own. Since they were too impatient to wait for a new one to be built, they set their hearts on Birgitta’s cottage since it was on the opposite side of the village from their parents. Under guise of a friendly visit, the two teenagers entered the house and murdered Birgitta by holding her head in the oven. Then then forged a suicide note and snuck away to wait for her house to be cleaned and sold at auction.

When Agnes heard of the news, she knew immediately that it was staged. Only last week her sister had been exclaiming how excited she was that spring had come and how very happy this time of year made her feel. At the burial, Anges was able to secure the note itself and, some years later, was able to trace it to Hanzel, who, by that time, had become major of his village.

Outraged by the corruption, greed, and selfishness that had been allowed to fester in the nearby village, Birgitta she vowed never to let such spoiled rotten children grow old again. She took leave of her village, and set off into the deep forest. There she built an oven, and with the oven, built a gingerbread house to live in. From there, she built an enticing labyrinth of candy encircling her abode. With it, and a trail of candy which she herself set down in the forest daily, she planned to lure the worlds wretched children into her maze. There they would gorge themselves on nutrition-less candy, and, having developed no survival or problem-solving skills in their pampered over-privileged lives, would starve to death on bellies full of candy whilst unable to find a way out.

I'm still at a page and a half, but I condensed everything except the story of the witches into bullet-point format to avoid the "wall of text/too long, didn't read" syndrome. Do you think it needs to be shorter still? Any suggestions for what else I should cut?

In general:
- 20th Century fairy tale world
- pre-cell phone era
- 1st week of September, before leaves turn color

The forest:
- dark. only small beams of light penetrate the canopy
- romanticized old growth German forest, large evergreens
- thick ground cover of moss, ferns & mushrooms
- fog still clings to ground in late morning
- hear wind in the trees, rustling in the underbrush, crow cawing
- ominous, eerie

The bridge & stream:
- shallow, rocky, clear
- old wooden bridge and dirt road forgotten & neglected after better road & bridge built
- road (now the path) overgrown, reclaimed by forest
- bridge rotting. planks & railings falling off into water
- hear the water flowing

Meadow:
- more leafy trees, dappled shade
- tall grasses and wildflowers
- sky & some wispy clouds visible, brighter, open
- hear songbirds, wind in trees

Maze entrance:
- imposing, blocks view
- gated ironwork antechamber with candy-themed detailing
- large bowl of candy sits enticingly just inside the gates
- when the player reaches the candy bowl, the gates slam shut with a “clang”

Candy maze:
- bright colors
- grass ground-cover
- same sounds as meadow
- open spaces brightly lit by sky
- darker spaces lit by gummy bear street lamps and lolly pop pathway lights

Gingerbread house:
- whimsical fairy tale cottage made from gingerbread & candy
- candy glass (melted hard candies) windows prevent us from seeing inside
- Tudor influences

The Tale of the Candy Maze:
Once upon a time there were two good witches. They were sisters, lived in neighboring villages, and spent their days assisting the townsfolk, relieving ailments and visiting those in need.
Birgitta saw over time that the children of her village were spoiled. The local hooligans lied insistently and could easily escape punishment for their wrong-doings, so unable were their parents to believe ill of them.
One day, a pair of twins, Hanzel and Gretel, said they were sick of living under their parents roof and wanted a cottage of their own. Since they were too impatient to wait for a new one, they chose Birgitta’s cottage because it always smelled of cookies. Under guise of a friendly visit, the two teenagers entered the house and murdered Birgitta by holding her head in the oven. After forging a suicide note, they snuck away to wait for her house to be sold at auction.
When Agnes heard the news, she knew immediately that it was false. Birgitta had only last week been in excellent high spirits. At the burial, Anges was able to secure the note and, some years later, was able to trace it to Hanzel, who, by that time, had become major of his village.
Outraged by the corruption, greed, and selfishness that had been allowed to fester in the nearby village, Birgitta she vowed never to let such spoiled rotten children grow up again. She took leave of her village, and set off into the deep forest. There she built an oven, and with the oven, built a gingerbread house to live in. Next she built an enticing labyrinth of candy encircling her cottage. With it, and a trail of candy which she set down in the forest daily, she planned to lure the worlds wretched children into her maze. There they would gorge themselves on nutrition-less candy, and, having developed no survival or problem-solving skills in their pampered over-privileged lives, would starve to death on bellies full of sugar whilst unable to find a way out.